I’m about as far from a domestic goddess as one can get. I am neither organised at it, nor enjoy it. Cleaning is simply one of life’s necessary evils. I find it to be such a frustrating endeavor as well, as it’s difficult to see any progress. Yes, my room might be clean for an hour or so (at best, with a toddler around), but it will soon be back to needing yet another clean.
When writing, it’s different. You can write a little every day, and you see improvement. Your word count goes up. There’s no imp following behind you ten minutes later erasing the words you just typed. It’s so much more rewarding to do something where you can see that you’re moving forward.
Cleaning? Cleaning is a never-ending circle of tidying up – it gets messy again – you tidy it up – it gets messy again. It does my head in. Having a dog, a cat and a toddler admittedly doesn’t help. Some days it feels like they’re having some sort of contest on who can mess things up the quickest. Or a combined effort to get mummy to lose her sanity in the shortest time possible.
I’m trying to follow “The Organised Mum Method”, with varying results. If I wasn’t as exhausted as I am, I think it’s a really good method. It’s just that there are days when I can’t actually bring myself to do it. Still, even following it halfheartedly has my home in better shape than it was before I did.
What do you do to keep your home tidy? Are you a domestic goddess?
I’ve suffered from chronic fatigue (CFS) for a long time now, and I have periods when I’m definitely doing better – and others where I’m definitely doing worse. Same with my fibromyalgia. However, I always feel like I can cope better with the pain than I can with the tiredness and exhaustion. I realise that this makes me lucky in some ways, the fibro isn’t nearly as bad as it could be, and for that I am grateful. The exhaustion can be debilitating though. And somehow I decided that I would add a baby into the mix. (Well, technically a toddler by now.)
I will never regret having the Imp, I love her above all – but there are days when I feel like the worst mother because I simply don’t have the energy to do everything that everyone else does. There are days when we just hang out at home because I can’t contemplate leaving the house, I’m just too fatigued. Fortunately, the little Imp seems quite happy to potter around at home, wreaking havoc the way I imagine a small hurricane would.
For the last few years, I’ve managed my fatigue somewhat. I’ve been able to work full time, which has been a definite win, even if it’s been at the cost of some other things having to go. During the years I’ve noticed that I can’t have it all, I have to choose where to expend my limited energy. I can either do my hobbies, keep a clean, tidy home or work. The last couple of years I worked, and my hobbies suffered. (As for cleaning, I was somewhere in between. I managed to sort of keep on top of it, even if not perfect.)
Pregnancy was okay. I was exhausted, but I think even women with no previous health problems are exhausted during pregnancy. Especially if they, like me, work waking night shifts.
Then enter the Imp. I’ll be honest, the first few months after she came along I was doing great. Exhausted? Yes. But I don’t think any more than any other new mum (or so I like to think). My pain was nearly entirely gone. It was amazing. Maybe six months down the line the pain started creeping back though, and both it and the exhaustion has been getting progressively worse.
The Imp is 14 months old today, and yesterday I was so tired I just wanted to sit down and cry. I struggle with feeling inferior to other mums, who manage to care for their child, going out and doing things every day and keep a neat, tidy home. At the moment I can’t do either. I feel like I’m stuck, trapped in this body and mind that are sluggish and fatigued – all while the house crumbles around me.
There are so many things I want to do. I feel like I need to do. But I can’t bring myself to do them. I’m just so tired. All I want to do is sleep, it’s what I would have done in the past, but with a little one running around that luxury is beyond me.
For months the exhaustion has been getting worse and worse, the lack of sleep definitely not helping. The Imp isn’t a great sleeper, still waking up several times at night, and she won’t let anyone else settle her. Only I can get her back to sleep (I am also the only one that can get her to sleep when first going to bed in the evening). I’m not sure how to fix it. At this point, all I can think is that I need to rest. But there is no rest to be had.
Ps. I’m sorry about the rambling nature of this post. I don’t know if it’s making any sense, and I’m quite honestly too tried to make it make sense.
Since I got pregnant my CFS (chronic fatigue) seems to have gone into over drive. I have absolutely no energy, and all I do is work and sleep. I’ve barely spent time by the PC since a couple of months into the pregnancy, and I’m getting nothing done in regards to anything. This includes house chores, writing and everything else in life.
I talked to the doctor about it who agreed that I’m exhausted, but there’s nothing they can do about it. He offered to write a recommendation to have me switch from working nights to days, but I honestly don’t think that would help. I’d have to work more days per week to make up the hours, and it’s quite physical during the day. The other option, as he said, was to stop working. Which, sure, great – except I can’t afford it.
Still, I only have another four weeks to go now until I go on maternity leave, so I just have to make it until then.
I also found out recently that I have gestational diabetes, so no enjoying all my little pregnancy cravings. So far, I seem to be able to manage it with diet alone though, and I hope that will continue. It’s not easy to eat regularly and exercise when all you want to do is sleep, so I do worry a lot about it.
Anyway, that was me having a bit of a whinge. I think we all need it now and then.
I feel like life is moving at a grueling pace some days, and other days seem to go on forever. No, that’s not quite it. While at work, the day never seems to end, but because I’m so tired my spare time is over in a snooze (quite literally). Suddenly another week has passed, and I still haven’t accomplished anything.
My tiredness seem to have gotten worse again. Maybe it’s the time of year. Everything is darker. Colder.
I force myself out of bed in the morning, I go to work, I make it through the day… Then I get home and I struggle to stay awake. Most days I don’t manage, and I end up sleeping for a couple of hours. Precious hours when I should be doing other things, but I just can’t keep my eyes open.
On a positive note, it’s only three more weeks of school until the Christmas holiday. Two glorious weeks off!
I went to the hospital a week ago for a blood draw. Never been fond of needles, but as long as I don’t look I’m fine. This time I jumped when the nurse jabbed me, and she said “you’ve obviously had a bad experience”. My last experience was the daily blood draw they did in the hospital last summer when I had that surgery that went so very, very wrong. When my veins kept blowing from the blood draw and IV, and my arm looked like I’d joined the local Fight Club.
That little comment from the nurse was all that was needed to bring it all back, and to my mortification I broke into tears. She was very understanding though, just got me a few tissues and let me have a few minutes before calling the next patient. I never expected to have that kind of reaction, since I’ve always managed my blood draws okay in the past, despite the fear of needles.
Another positive note, turns out my values are all fine. No more monthly injections! The mal-absorption issue seems to have sorted itself out. Go me!
Lastly, I’ve started another blog. I know. I know. I’m like a serial blogger. Not in that I write lots of blog posts (I wish!), but in that I keep making new ones. It’s supposed to be focused a bit more on my writing, because I felt like the title of this blog might put some people off. I don’t know. Maybe the blog addict in me just wanted another blog. I could just put everything on that one, but I suspect no one’s really interested in my random ramblings. (Not that I think they’re particularly interested in my writing and rambling about that, really.) I just like to keep my ramblings for posterity, or something. It’s quite nice to be able to go back 10 years through my blog posts and see what I’ve been up to. It’s like an online journal/diary.
If anyone wants to check it out, it’s http://thestrugglingwriter.com and I even made it a Facebook page. Because… I could? It’s nice for posting random pictures and things that don’t deserve its own post.
I only have four more working days until the summer holiday now, and I’ll be honest – it couldn’t come soon enough. My new job (if it can still be considered new after five months) is rewarding, but oh so exhausting. I’m working more hours than I’ve managed to in years since I became ill, and it’s definitely taking its toll.
When I get home from work I am so exhausted that I rarely manage to get anything done. Most days I fall asleep, and never wake up enough to do anything worthwhile. I’ll force myself to cook something for dinner, and that’s about it. The flat isn’t nearly as tidy as I would like, since I fall behind on cleaning. Lots of things need to be done/sorted, and I just don’t have the energy to do it.
All in all, it makes me feel like a failure. It might sound stupid, but I would like to keep a nice, tidy house for the boyfriend. I moved over here, and I’m contributing very little to the household in the form of income due to working less hours, and having a lower hourly rate to begin with. So I feel that the least I could do is cook dinner and keep the flat tidy. But I’m not even managing that most of the time.
I really hate being this tired. It’s the kind of tired when it doesn’t really matter how much – or little – you sleep; you’re still exhausted. I’ve tried to not fall asleep when I get home from work, just to have some more time to do things, but some days it’s impossible. I just can’t keep my eyes open.
I just wish I could do more and get more things done. It’s become especially obvious now that some of my family is coming to visit next week. There are so many things I’d like to get done before they get here, and I’m getting nowhere with them, because I’m just too exhausted after work.
Well, that’s enough whining for today I think. Every now and then I just need to vent. I realise that it probably gets boring for anyone reading this blog for a while, since a lot of my posts are basically “I’m tired”. Which, I suppose, is because I’m always tired. I’ve been tired for many years, and I honestly can’t remember what it feels like to not be tired.
Positive thought; only four more working days and then six weeks off!
Sometimes we just have bad days when it feels like we can’t catch a break. But in the end I can’t complain too much – there are many people out there whose lives are far worse than mine. I’m just so tired all the time – they’ve discovered that I have a B12 deficiency – and something else but I have no idea what the English word for it is… So at least I’m getting that treated, apparently it can take several months and even up to a year to get back to my old energy – but right now I’d settle for just getting a little bit back, just so I can do daily stuff like dishes and cleaning my apartment.
I hate how money is such a big problem these days. Thanks Sweden for giving me nothing when returning after having worked 7 years abroad. The whole EU thing with open borders and being able to move around and work without there being any problems is apparently bogus. I wasn’t given any unemployment benefits when I got back to Sweden, because apparently having worked for a UN organisation is the same as working in the US – cause you know.. the UN is American so it doesn’t count as Europe. What ever happened to the UN being worldwide? It’s Europe as much as anything else? Then when I was written off as sick I couldn’t get those benefits cause – hey, you’ve not been resident in Sweden and working in Sweden lately. Lovely. Thanks a lot.
At least I’m in some therapy and stuff that’s meant to help me get better and eventually back to working. So things are moving in the right direction. I just wish it’d be quicker – which is apparently part of my problem. I want there to be a button to push where everything is just fine and dandy again. Obviously it doesn’t work like that, but it’s what I’m looking for rather than learning to take it easy and one step at a time.
I hate how I get so easily upset. I hate how I don’t have the energy to do anything. I hate how my life is looking at the moment. I hate being tired all the time. I hate not having money for stuff I want to do/buy. I hate not being 100% healthy.
And in the middle of the mess that is my life I fear I’m falling for someone. And I really don’t think I should – cause where else can it lead than to being hurt and rejected or abandoned again? But how can you stop yourself from falling when you’ve already begun? If anyone has some suggestions, I’m happy to listen.
I’m very sorry about the whining. I guess it’s been a bad few days. On a happier note my brother Sebastian is visiting for a few days which is nice. On Monday my dad and the rest of the Örebro-family is coming to town, so I get to see them for a bit as well. It’s always good to see the family so quite looking forward to it.
On popular request… Wait, I’m lying… on demand of Snuffiz (oh yes, I remember the old nickname I gave you.. you know who you are!) I am reviving my old blog. Apparently.. some people are too “good” to use myspace! (Though facebook sucks, I do agree on that one.) To be quite honest the only real reason I like Myspace is because it lets me add music to the main page *lol*
Okay, so it’s been nearly a year since I wrote here last. Let’s see what’s happened…
1) I did move back to Sweden
2) I went back to Uni to get my degree
3) I was overly ambitious about how well I was and managed to hit that proverbial wall again (well done me!) so I am back on extended sick leave since December ’07 and had to take a break from school since I can’t manage
4) I moved to Vänersborg to my own apartment, to shortly thereafter have the aforementioned wall-hitting and now have decided to move back to Ed since basically I don’t know a soul down here and it gets rather lonely 😉
5) I already found an apartment in Ed, and unless I can move sooner I move in 1 June.
Hmm, I think that’s the quick rundown of events. Other than that I haven’t done anything big. It’s been pretty slow, walking Bailey (who is always a delight of course) and getting through life mainly.
Tomorrow I travel to Örebro to visit my dad and the family there. I’m taking my baby brother Isak along since he hasn’t met our brother there for several months now. And I guess the word baby is rather relative considering he will be 10 in three weeks, but I still think of him as a baby *lol*
I’m terrible at writing blogs it seems, it takes forever between the times that I do update this. Anyway, let’s make a list of what has happened since the last time I wrote…
– My car got stolen
– I was put back on extended sick leave and medication due to my depression/burn-out
– We had Christmas! and New Year’s
– My car was found – crashed (still have to see if I can afford fixing it)
– I’ve been sent to see a therapist to help me get better
– I’ve taken extended leave from Uni since I’m incapable of studying at the moment
I think that’s pretty much it. Today is laundry day, not the most fun of days to be honest. I was annoyed though when I discovered that someone is using one of the two washing machines in the laundry room when I arrived for my scheduled time. It’s very frustrating since it’s my time and now I can’t do all my laundry 🙁
I get irritated when family members say that I’m not depressed. I don’t sound depressed. They’ve known people who are depressed and they didn’t sound the way I do.
First of all… How do they know how I feel? Secondly, who says that one person who is depressed sounds like the next?
I’ve always been good at masking my feelings when it comes to these things, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, the doctor’s said I suffered from depression (and a panic disorder… but that’s not today’s issue) and I was on medication for it for quite some time, as well as therapy with a psychologist. I had a chemical imbalance.
My life is in shambles. I left everything that I had in NL and went back to Sweden since it was believed that I needed to be closer to my family (I felt very alone and isolated in NL and it was believed to be part of the cause of my depression).
Problem is, I feel like my life is still in shambles. I can’t seem to find my footing so I can move forward. I’m in one spot and not getting anywhere. Nor do I know how to get there. It’s driving me nuts.
I had a good job in NL. I can’t get a job like that in Sweden. So I’m going back to Uni to get my degree, hoping to at least get a decent job afterwards. But I’m not a good student – I never was. It’s not that I’m stupid – I just really really suck when it comes to studying.
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps the docs in Sweden took me off my medication a bit too soon, because there are days when I really don’t feel well. Other days I feel decent, but I never feel… I don’t know. Entirely well. I’m off-kilter and I can’t get back on course.
I get so tired of it all. Some days I feel like giving up. I just want to sit down on the floor and bawl my eyes out. But I don’t. Surely I don’t have to do that just to make people understand I’m not well yet? Why is it that everything has to be so obvious? I’ve never been an extrovert, I never will.. I will always keep things inside. I don’t like emotional displays.
I will not kill myself either. It is not me. Why is it that some people seem to think that you’re only depressed if you want to kill yourself?
I feel like giving up… Isn’t that the same thing?
But then… I do have some sort of fight left in me. Even if it’s weak most of the time. But I don’t want to give up. I want to make something of my life. I… I just don’t know what yet.
And I should know… Shouldn’t I? I’m getting old. I’m running out of time. And here I am… stuck in one spot… unable to move forward.
I’m tired. As usual. Seems I’m always tired lately. It sucks.
Soo.. what’s up with me.. hmm..
– My mom baked home-made cinnamon rolls.. they’re tasty so I stole one.. yummy!
– Bailey ate a kid’s shoe.. (the only kid whose shoes he will actually destroy.. anybody else’s he just moves from one spot to another..)
– I’ve applied for a few more jobs, still heard nothing from any of them. But then again, summer is slow in recruitment, I should know..
– In a few days my mom and them are heading out, so I have the house for myself for 3 days. Which will be nice.. since well.. I hate living at my mom’s place since I’m not used to it. (Too bloody old for it too! But what to do when you have no money to pay for a ‘real’ place?)